I know you may all be wondering where I’ve been and have probably been missing the linguistical orgasms of poetry and prose that I’ve been delivering to you all on a weekly basis and for that. Unfortunately, it’s taken me a lot longer in recovery from the kyphoplasty procedure I had and have been hunched over limping around my parents’ place like Quasimodo desiring nothing but freedom

And it turns out there are these pesky little things called tumors that are aggravating the nerves, muscle, and fat tissue (fat? on me? they must be mistaken!) near my lower vertebrae which means we have to go the radioactive route. Whenever they mention the tumors as actual living things I just picture this

But anyway, I now have to go through 5 days of radiation therapy which obviously has me a bit scared as I’ve never done it before and the word radiation should freak anybody out, no matter how handsome/funny/brave they may be. In an ideal scenario this goes the route of Spider-Man or the Hulk where I gain superpowers without a back brace and I get to make out with either Kirsten Dunst, Emma Stone, Jennifer Connelly, or Liv Tyler (depending on what comic/movie nerd you are)

Another low point this past weekend for me was losing in my college friends’ fantasy football playoffs. You’d think my friends would take some pity on me this year and let me have the trophy and some dignity, but as my dear friend and opponent said “There’s no mercy, this is FILP, not Make-A-Wish.” 1) this is savage but you have to respect the commitment 2) FILP stands for Friends In Low Places (shout out Garth Brooks, you’re a real one)

P.S. this was me after I lost bc Josh Allen decided to be a grade-A pussy and loves cancer

Finally, let’s end on a high note. I decided to throw all caution to the wind and do what I’ve always wanted to do….get a truck. Yes it’s become my entire personality, yes I am now a Republican, have a gun rack, and those rubber testicles that hang at the back on the trailer hitch, and yes I’m now listening to even more country than I already did. I’m hoping that now women just look at this

and see this

Anyway, wish me luck on radiation therapy this week, and if you see me swinging down the Long Island Expressway you’ll know the procedure was a success.

Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animals